What is intensity? The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as “the quality or state of being intense, especially an extreme degree of strength, force, energy, or feeling,” and “the magnitude of a quantity (such as force or energy) per unit (as of area, charge, mass, or time).”

Life is experienced through different levels of intensity. We can feel intensity on a roller coaster, when we turn up the volume, or when we eat something very spicy. But intensity isn’t felt only in sudden bursts of energy. While 100-meter sprints are short and intense, making our hearts pound and our breathing skyrocket, a marathon is more about sustained effort, a slow burn that tests our patience.

We tend to celebrate the marathon-style living because it demands consistency and is a “visible” grind in the day to day. But we tend to underestimate or overlook the sprint moments: the emotions behind critical decisions, the energy required behind big projects, bold leaps, and risks taken.

Some undertakings demand asymmetric risk and are overwhelmingly dangerous or physically degrading over time. While they may be proportionally compensated, they’re rarely honored. Others require relentless daily routines or ongoing maintenance and upkeep that go just as unnoticed. The bottom line is that both are essential and deserve equal recognition, whether it’s the heroic daily grind or the bolder moves that happen on rare occasions.

Not all effort is created equal, and not all resources are equally available. Not all risks taken have the privilege of a safety net. And thus, not all sacrifice is equal either. While I believe we should work to make our systems provide more equality or equity, at the personal level, we can only be responsible for ourselves.

Why does intensity matter? Because many overlooked conflicts, both within ourselves and in our relationships, stem from neglecting to recognize the intensity we’ve lived through. If we are unable or unwilling to acknowledge this, we set ourselves up to misjudge the efforts, sacrifices, and potential for the future (shaped by years of demanding study or intensive training).

At the very least, I believe having a clearer picture of the intensity we engage in or are subject to throughout our lives can help us live with greater compassion, become more humble, and focus on what truly matters. Let us explore why living with intensity is relevant, why it’s overlooked, and how it affects our intrapersonal, interpersonal, and extrapersonal lives.

1. Intrapersonal (Within yourself)

Intensity can be expressed by units that measure the objective output of things like sound, brightness, and heat. So something very intense has a lot of focused energy per unit of area: a laser beam concentrates its energy into a focal point, while a flashlight spreads it over a wider area. The key idea is that different kinds of effort need to be distributed differently.

But intensity can also be subjective, as each of us experiences situations differently. For example, we perceive how loud or how hot something is in our own way, and most definitely, we vary in how we process emotionally intense moments. We create memories and stories that shape us for the rest of our lives.

So why does this matter?

Because intensity boils down to how we apply effort and for how long. There’s the sustained effort in our daily grind of preparation, consistency, and continuous discipline to pursue our goals, and there’s the intense pushes where we take bold risks and make concentrated efforts that may leave us physically exhausted and emotionally spent. In life, we need both. Both types of effort require sacrifices to live our lives aligned with our values.

Understanding intensity within ourselves means recognizing our own patterns: when we’ve been sprinting, and when we’ve been running marathons. Most importantly, it means asking why we’ve been choosing to spend our time this way, or whether we’ve simply been on autopilot.

This awareness allows us to plan how to use our energy strategically while harmonizing both “modes” to pursue our goals without burning out. If we examine how past intense experiences have shaped us, we can plan future pushes more intentionally. We should stop judging ourselves against others’ timelines and instead focus on our own intensity: what we’ve endured, what we’re capable of, and what we need to do to become who we want to be and what we want to achieve.

2. Interpersonal (Between people)

We’re never alone on our journeys, and we wouldn’t want to be. From the families we were born into, to the families we create, we depend, in varying degrees, on all the important relationships we form.

But there’s one that’s particularly under a lot of pressure: committed relationships, partnerships, and marriages. Gender roles have shifted, and it’s not clear exactly who provides what and how much, or who brings what to the table. Western society seems to be drifting away from the traditional structures that used to provide clarity, however imperfect, but hasn’t exactly come up with new ones to replace them. Any emergent alternatives lack the test of time, which warrants a healthy dose of caution.

People in relationships struggle with all the usual hardships of making money, cleaning, cooking, maintenance, and taking care of children (if any), with the additional modern burdens of who decides how money is spent and who gets time and space for themselves. It’s like a tug-of-war with no winner. Many relationships nowadays reach an impasse, unable to compromise on the use of resources. Oftentimes, this creates additional tension as both parties become keenly aware of who rewards themselves more and start doing the same—racing to spend instead of building wealth together.

These relationship challenges are of a temporal kind: efforts aren’t made or required at the same time. While one partner may have spent years building a foundation through multiple jobs, frugality, and postponing personal desires, the other may have chosen to invest that energy later or in different domains entirely. There isn’t a “right” path. However, relationships often have an invisible imbalance in accumulated sacrifice that goes unacknowledged. The partner who enters the relationship when economic stability has already been established may not fully grasp the years of grinding that it took to create that foundation. Similarly, the one who built the foundation may overlook the daily labor that it takes to maintain it.

When partners have different timelines, it’s important to honor the invisible sacrifices each has made. The key is not one of transaction, but one of genuine acknowledgment for what each person has given up. The more both partners feel seen, the more likely they will work toward a common future. This shared vision isn’t about erasing individual dreams, but about providing a desired direction that both partners prioritize  for the relationship.

This is why modern relationships seldom have a team vision. They don’t truly see each other, understand where they come from, and the sacrifices that each individual has made. If we want to have meaningful and long-lasting relationships, we must all step outside ourselves and be a team. This doesn’t mean you stop caring about yourself—it just means you can see beyond your own needs and sacrifices.

Unlike a tug-of-war, teams can channel intensity. It becomes more like an athletic relay event where we pass the baton knowing we won’t perform at the same speed, power, or endurance, but we’ll still go further together.

3. Extrapersonal (With the world)

According to Wiktionary, extrapersonal is defined as: “Outside of a person; beyond what is personal or individual.”

Think about the things that are external to the person. For instance, access to resources, tools, and opportunities, as well as safety, justice, and well-being. Even if we manage our intensity well and partner effectively, we’re still subject to the environment. The most immediate way this shows up and affects us is economic pressure.

If we find ourselves living paycheck-to-paycheck (or worse), it leaves us with little to no energy for sprints and even less room for sustained marathons. Everything has become unimaginably expensive, and the odds of succeeding today are truly stacked against young adults.

Systems, markets, and corporations are all competing for our attention—to distract us from our goals, but most importantly, to funnel resources from our pockets to theirs. Yes, they provide value with the services and products they offer, but as long as people are politically polarized, confused about gender roles and identity, struggling in their relationships, and financially exhausted, we become easy prey to entities that exploit that exhaustion.

It’s not just a financial rat race, where we’re trapped with obligations that keep exceeding what we earn—but an emotional rat race of sorts, where we feel that we are never enough, never accomplish enough, and are emotionally drained.

So what can we do about all this?

We must make personal amends with our past and remember what we stand for.

We shouldn’t be afraid to start a relationship or strengthen our current one with a common vision. And approach our relationships with deep empathy and compassion for where each person has come from, honoring both the grind and moments of intensity.

Stay mindful of how the environment seeks to take a cut from the fruits of your labor. Fortunately, by understanding how this works we can also open up to a world of possibilities. While attending private universities, purchasing real estate, and tackling everyday expenses has become astronomically expensive, this same economy offers disproportionate opportunities for those who are eager to find them. If we stay focused, we can enjoy making progress toward our goals, and secure our future as we strive not only to make money but to keep it and enjoy it intelligently.

Understanding intensity—within ourselves, our partners, and in our environment—guides us to live more intentionally. When we become aware of our own patterns and stop living on autopilot, when we truly see our partners’ sacrifices and work as a team, and when we stay vigilant about how external forces may manipulate our choices, we reclaim a sense of autonomy and meaning in our lives.

We all relate to effort and reward differently, shaped by our families, regions, character traits, education, and opportunities. When we’re overworked, whether from financial strain or emotional stress, we naturally want to reward ourselves. And now, more than ever, we’re constantly exposed to how others may appear to be living larger than we are, making us feel like we’re always falling behind while every purchase becomes more convenient and harder to resist.

This is precisely why we must set our ego aside, work as teams, and cultivate greater compassion and humility, with ourselves and with others. Living with intensity is ultimately about using our time wisely to build meaningful lives and lasting relationships despite a world of constant noise, shifting paradigms, and fierce competition.