“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

In childhood, we don’t really own anything. As students, we have yet to achieve something. All youth is a process of learning. Children are naturally interested in learning, playing, and exploring. They hold on to the few people they know well, but there isn’t much for them to let go of. Children are free—they don’t have to worry about holding on or letting go. They simply live in the present, and we prepare them for the future. And as we grow older, we gradually transition into the business of “accumulating.”

But what happens when we grow older? Do we “become” someone? If we’re successful, we accumulate resources. We strive to achieve great feats. As adults, we become very concerned with what we hold on to. But as we get older, we’re forced to let go of things we previously held dear. Life changes. And at some point, we realize life is a continuous cycle of holding on and letting go.

My grandmother suffered from an illness related to Alzheimer’s. Eventually, she could no longer recognize us. Her memory loss resulted in a kind of involuntary letting go. The similarities between children and the elderly are striking. We all end up where we started. The ebb and flow of life seems to revolve, to a large degree, around memory.

This past spring break I went into a pool with my cellphone. For whatever reason, my swimsuit has always had a side pocket, and yes, I put in my phone and this time I forgot about it. It must have been anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes before I realized it. Long story short, it had multiple short circuits and damaged components including the battery and screen. And just like that, there went years of photographs, videos, and work—memories.

I felt stupid for not trying harder to back up my information. Eventually, I came to terms with what it all meant. There would be some captured moments I wouldn’t be able to relive again, and some work that would simply be lost. But I thought to myself, “I had enjoyed those moments either way.” This whole episode made me reflect about the things we hold on to, and those we let go. It made me wonder about how holding on could sometimes work against us. What is the role of identity, freedom, and impermanence in this delicate balance between resistance and acceptance?

When and what should we hold on to? What should we let go of? These are questions that are relevant throughout our human experience. The truth is we seldom know when holding on to something is actually keeping us hostage. Let’s explore a few dimensions of this intricate dance between attachment and freedom.

A) Possessions

As soon as we’re able to, we very much begin acquiring what interests us. For instance, young people want to own gadgets or items that they (or their parents) can afford. As we grow older, both our purchasing power and our needs or wants change—but we’re still entangled with our possessions. Ideally, we learn to purchase that which gives us a return over our investment. However, possessions are a double-edged sword.

When our main concern becomes owning more, whatever that may be, our possessions start to own us. I believe we should treat our stuff with respect and care, as they often do symbolize the fruits of our labor. However, we must let go of our restless craving to have more, never being satisfied with what we already have. Without gratitude for what we have, nothing will ever be enough.

B) Status

Most children are hoarders. We find our world fascinating and want to keep all sorts of things we find interesting. But children often let go of all those things just as quickly, forgetting about them as soon as the next interesting thing comes along. They move on fast. Then we become students, and we start holding on to our “knowledge.” I used to keep all my notebooks throughout grade school. Though inevitably, after gathering dust in my closet, most ended up in the garbage. My priorities changed. I still hold on to my honor roll awards and my most cherished notebooks. But for how much longer?

They all made me feel like I was “becoming” someone. School was the only reflection of how successful I would be. Specifically, Middle School was when I first felt I needed to work hard as I realized I was falling behind academically. One of my friends told me: “I’m about to go have breakfast with the principal and other honor roll students, and you? You’ll stay here with the dumb ones.” Within a year I went from being athletic and outgoing to academic and chubby.

My beef is, whether cultural or academic, we are taught that to become someone, we need to achieve x, y, or z. We convince ourselves that we’re not worthy until we accomplish something, making it all about winning, obtaining, and holding on. We cling to knowledge, achievements, titles, possessions, and ultimately, status. But paradoxically, all of that keeps us from being present—experiencing life fully today and knowing we lived it fully yesterday. All these things or achievements we hold on to in order “to be someone” keep us from truly living.

And the problem is it becomes a vicious cycle: there’s always something else to achieve, and life just quietly slips away as we chase the illusion of arrival, of finally being enough. But the finish line always seems beyond reach, and in the pursuit of becoming, or worse, proving we’re finally worthy, we forget that we always were. 

C) Appearance

We’re all concerned to some degree over how we look. And I don’t think we can fully accept who we are until we consciously choose to. If asked if you could change anything about your body, most people would. And of course there are many different changes. Not all changes necessarily affect our identity. Eating well and exercising enhances our health. But there are other changes that can become more problematic. For instance, plastic surgery has become extremely popular. And while it might help us look or feel better, it could also be a sign of a lack of self-acceptance.

We know we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. But we all absolutely do, and the cover does matter because first impressions shape our perceptions. We care about both presentation and content. So the question is: what should we hold on to, and what should we let go? Our physical appearance changes as we age. So appearance is a temporary and ongoing part of our identity. Like possessions and status, the key lies in letting go of the dissatisfaction that stems from chasing perfection and not feeling enough—should we ever feel that way.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t care about our appearance, but that we should deeply accept who we are and take care of ourselves from a place of wholeness. And what is this wholeness? It is taking action from a place of acceptance and openness with possibility. It’s definitely not complacency, but rather “I love myself or my current situation, but I don’t mind opening up to improvements.” It’s fundamentally about avoiding making compulsive choices based on fear, scarcity, or unworthiness. Mind the cover, respect the content.

D) Psychology

Our psychology is at the core of who we think we are, what we hold on to, and what we let go of. This includes our character, habits, emotions, and predispositions. How do we define ourselves? What keeps us anchored in our life?

The difference between addictions and good habits is their impact on our well-being. Addictions are harmful and good habits are nourishing. I often strive to define myself in terms of positive habits and reduce addictions. We all know scrolling endlessly on our phone isn’t good. But a beneficial place to start is defining ourselves by the habits we build, rather than by degrees, job titles, or achievements. We can hold on to virtue and be guided by it, and perhaps most importantly, aim to let go of our ego-driven attachments that keep us stuck.

When we hold on to our degrees or job titles, we cut ourselves off from learning and exploring different areas. When we hold on to our achievements, we become fragile. Holding on to our achievements or accomplishments cuts us off from the blessing of making mistakes and trying new things—the essence of growth. We cannot grow if we’re stuck holding on to “success.” The sooner we let go of our achievements, the sooner we can focus on the process of learning, cultivating the habits we must, and enjoying wherever we find ourselves in life. Our identity shouldn’t be defined by a trophy wall. It really is about the journey. 

E) Relationships

It’s hard to know where to even start. There are people we love so unconditionally and permanently that we can’t imagine life without them. As a parent, I can’t even fathom life without my kids. We often speak of relationships but seldom clarify the different levels. For instance, we could define them by intensity or permanence. But overall, we can agree that at one end of the relationship spectrum, we find strangers, and at the other, family. Sandwiched in between are acquaintances, casual friends, close friends, romantic relationships, etc.

Relationships anchor us to life. They help us feel validated, seen, supported, and valuable—but this depends on the kind of relationship, of course. Over time, we’re all forced to confront the reality that many relationships we once believed to be permanent have drifted away. Circumstances change. I once told my mom in frustration, “Why is it so hard to make friends?” She answered, “Friends change as you age. I had friends when I was single, others when I was married, and different ones as a mom.” Now, as an empty-nester she has another circle of friends. And I’d personally add that there are times when there just isn’t as much time for friends, and that’s okay too. Perhaps the key to relationships is not to be dependent on them. Be open for them, but without attachment.

So what tools help us navigate the fluidity of relationships? For those worth holding on to, we can commit—such as in marriage. Commitment is not complacency either. It is recognizing that there is something worth fighting for in both good and bad times. With friendships, it’s about reciprocity, not keeping score. Ultimately, life teaches that no relationship survives the moment we impose our personal expectations or try to hold on solely on our own terms. We cannot control who stays, but we can remain open to welcoming new connections.

There are, of course, myriad other categories we can learn to navigate when it comes to holding on and letting go—such as our environment, our culture, our location, and many more. But the one common denominator in holding on is choosing to keep what is nurturing and letting go of what no longer serves, what weighs us down. There are compromises and sacrifices to be made, but only from a place of wholeness and without attachment to achievements or results.

An expectation or destination can serve only as a guide at best. When we embrace impermanence, we become aware of just how valuable it is to be alive. We can’t control what may happen tomorrow, but we can try to be fully present today. And the way to be fully present is by letting go of our expectations and allowing what is to unfold. Yes, we should prepare for the future, but being fully aware that preparation isn’t a blueprint. Perhaps life really is a cycle and it’s hard to come to terms with it. We’re all just temporary owners, and we inevitably go back to the freedom of childhood but with a few lessons learned along the way.